guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
