Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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