Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize