I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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