I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Randomize
