I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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