sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
