why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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