I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
