The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
