It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
