apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
