She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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