Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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