Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
