I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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