yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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