mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
