I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
