I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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