There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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