I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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