oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
