Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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