Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
50% drunk capacity currently
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
