Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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