Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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