I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
