Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
