My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
