with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
