Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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