hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
