The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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