My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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