Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
