4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
