she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
