If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
