worst night to have a conscience
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
