hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
