It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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