Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You ate ashes out of my bong
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
