I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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