I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
