I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
