she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
