I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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