the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
