i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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