It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
