As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
