I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
