you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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