I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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